EXcluded EXperience Con’t

So where was I?  (Sorry it took a week).

Name of Experience: Chris

Length of EXperience: 6-8

So he turns on “International Lover”, (which was one of my favorite Prince songs) walked over to me, stuck out his hand and asked “May I have this dance?”  If you know the song then you will recognize that he was mimicking the intro line.  Chris then danced me over to a chair that he had placed in the middle of his living room floor. “I want to dance for you,” he said. Naturally, I was a little intrigued AND a little embarrassed. I thought to myself  “What if he sucks?”  His nature was a bit too sensitive to handle my style of critique but what if he was really good?  He then looked in my eyes full of “purple passion” and said “There is one condition… You can’t look….” “Say what?” I giggled.  “so you are going to dance for me but I can’t look at you.? Uhh, then why are you dancing for me?  He said, “I want you to use your imagination.”   “Nah, I’d rather watch.” “Please” he pleaded as he batted his long lashes over those beautiful hazel eyes.  As strange as his request was I obliged.  He restarted the song playing and stepped behind me. I could hear the sound of his jeans rustling and some other sounds the seemed as if he was doing the splits along with some other strange moves that I couldn’t quite imagine.  He then started rubbing his hands across my face from behind.  AWKWARD!  “What the hell is going on?”  is all I could think.

When he finally reappeared in front of me he grabbed my hand and lead me to his bedroom.  “Come here, I wanna show you something.”  I wanted to play along but as much as I like Prince I preferred my potential boyfriends to be more a fan and not so much of an impersonator.  So I was a little reluctant to follow.  “I am not going to do anything to you.  Just come on.”  For most Prince fans this would have been kismet but for me, it was just fucking weird.  I wanted Chris to be Chris not Prince   There is a fine line between channeling Prince’s sex appeal and just channeling Prince.  I don’t want to seem unappreciative of his efforts but I like to keep some of my fantasy life separate from my reality.

When I walked into his bedroom for the first time I was completely intrigued by the decor.  It was like Prince and Morris Day came over and did a custom job in his room. It was filled with silk, lace, animal print and patchouli.  His room was almost redemption for the unseen dance routine.  He sat next to me on the bed and grabbed my hand. “I wanna give you something.”  I interrupted ” but I can’t look right?” He found humor in my sarcasm,  He then reached under his bed and pulled out a small box.  In the box was a large gold hoop earring that he proceeded to put in my ear,  I felt the urge to respond “I’m gonna join Morris’ band” but I thnk he was almost expecting it. So I decided not to inject my asshole humor into what was apparently a serious moment for him AND had he slapped me the way Prince did Appolonia in Purple Rain when she made her Morris confession, I would have had to beat his little pretty ass.

You’re probably wondering,  “So where did it get weird?’  Well, we started making out and he started to kiss me really strange.  Do you remember the scene from “Under The Cherry Moon” when Christopher Tracy first kissed Mary Sharon? You remember those over dramatic pecks and the exaggerated movement of Prince’s body. I always thought he did that for visual effects,   I didn’t really think he kissed like that and I didn’t expect anyone to imitate it.  Right in the middle of mid-peck in what could have been a potential passionate moment he blurts out “I can’t wait to tell my mom about you” and proceeded to pick up the phone. At this point, I am just sitting there with my perplexed “Scooby Doo” expression trying to figure out exactly what was going on. I mean I had dated intense guys before but this was on some next level shit.  As he began to describe my appearance to his mother I felt the most uncomfortable I had felt all evening. When describing me to her, he used terms like “nice ass”, “perky titties” and he couldn’t wait to see what I was like in bed. Of course, I was cool with just heavy petting (that’s old school for making out).  Then he said, “of course I am going to bring her to Ohio for Christmas.”  “Yes, mom” he continued “we will definitely have some beautiful babies.”  You ever see the way a dog’s ear perks up when he hears sirens or alarms? Well at this point I was like Fido;  ears burning with an annoying sound.   I didn’t want to rudely interrupt so I tried to excuse myself to the living room at which point he grabbed my hand and whispered “Don’t leave me. I will NEVER let you leave me.”

Once he got off the phone with his mother (about 30 minutes later) we sat in silence.  Quite frankly I didn’t know if his sentiment of not letting me go EVER was a threat or a promise.  “Sooooo um, I take it that you and your mom are really close?

“Yes,” he enthusiastically replied.

“I can’t wait for you to meet her.”

“Sure.  Is she coming to town soon?”

“No, I bought us two tickets to go see her for Christmas.”   as I stared at him in amazement, I simply replied, “I can’t go with you for Christmas.”  The look of disappointment was almost too much for me to handle. “What do you mean you can’t go?  I had our first Christmas all planned out,” he confessed.  Although Chris had been the only guy I was seeing on a regular basis exclusivity had not been discussed.  I was obviously attracted to Chris but I wasn’t sure how serious he was.  Obviously more serious than I.  He excused himself to the restroom where shortly thereafter I heard the blaring sound of Prince’s voice coming from the bathroom singing “Another Lonely Christmas”  My initial thought was “this can’t be real.”  I quietly entered the bathroom (not knowing what I would find) where he was sitting on the edge of the tub holding what appeared to be a gun in his hand with his head hanging down in defeat.  Suddenly he looks up at me with tearful eyes and said ” I would die for you.” and then pointed the gun at his head.  WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? I screamed.  Seriously dude!!!??  I was mortified, horrified and pissed the fuck off.   Did this clown just make me a part of his living version of “Sign Under the Purple Rain.”  because so far the whole evening played out like a montage of all Prince’s movies – Under The Cherry Moon” highlighted with “Sign of the Times’ with little drops of Purple Rain.  I wasn’t even sure at this point if his name was really Chris.  I am pretty sure he namesaked himself after Prince’s character Christopher Tracy.  This was a big fucking “purple nightmare. ”  I was hoping that any moment Tricky, Morris or somebody would walk in with some comic relief.  It seemed he had worked out the all aspects of what I concluded to be an overly dramatic performance.

During one of his encores, I was able to notice that the barrel of his alleged gun closely resembled that of a bee-bee gun.   At that  moment I became enraged.  “What kind of attention seeking creep does this sort of shit?”  He was an insult to my intelligence.  I tried to maintain a smile on my face although I was extremely uncomfortable and a little concerned for my own well-being.  Who knew what he was capable of.

I was finally able to convince him to take me home.  I will admit I gave him false hopes and promises of whatever he needed to hear me say.   Before the ride home, I had convinced him that not only would I be going to meet his mom but that I would consider moving him with him over the next few months.  I would have said anything to get somewhere that I felt safe.  In just a few short hours I had gone from infatuated to creeped out by the guy who I officially coined “Creepy Chris”.  Once I got out of his car, I pretended to have a full bladder that needed immediate relieving. I blew him a LAST kiss and rushed into the house quickly locking the door behind me.  I peeked through the curtains to make sure he was gone.  He sat there for a few moments before he drove away.

The End..

The good ole days.😁✌🏽


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