Sometimes I feel so bad, so bad
Sometimes I wish life was never ending,
And all good things, they say, never last
Today is one of the worst fucking days of my life. If I can just be honest. Prince is gone (you seriously have no idea how long it just took me to type those three words). So far I have deleted and restarted this entry like 7 times already just trying to figure out what to say. So I will just start from the beginning.
I have been in love with Prince since I was 8 or 9 years old. Long before I understood what being in love truly was. A babysitter took me took me to a record store in Downtown San Francisco and there was a picture of this cute boy with an Afro. He wasn’t Foster Sylvers (my first crush). He was something special though. The record store clerk with the long dirty blond hair who looked like one of those Frisco hippies all the grown ups talked about walked over to me and asked “do you know who that is?” I shook my head no. “You wanna hear a song?” I shook my head yes.. He played for me “In Love” and he played it for me again. Still one of my favorite songs. I felt like I had been inducted into some special secret group of music lovers. At 9 I knew he was special and at 9 I knew he would be special to me.
We didn’t have videos and we weren’t privied to being able to always see the person behind the music. I remember when “Soft and Wet” would come on the radio people would debate on whether it was a boy or a girl. I knew what they didn’t. And I liked that because I felt that I had a connection to him that no one else had. I had not realized that I would carry this feeling forever. By the time Prince became a true household name it was accompanied by “Controversy” (literally). People just couldn’t understand his prowess but somehow I did. I will admit that i didn’t understand everything he sang about but I remember how I felt when I heard it.
As he begin to grow as artist my connection to him began to grow as a fan. Prince was more than just an beautiful boy who played guitar and talked about things that I should not have necessarily known about at that age, he was my musical best friend. As an only child (fille unique) we spent a lot of time together. (Bear with me because this is where things get hard for me to express but I am gonna push through it). I spent a lot of time alone as a kid and I moved a lot.. I mean A LOT. So I always had to make new friends or at least try to. Prince was my tag along. It was like you couldn’t be my friend unless you were his friend too.. We came as a package. He was the one consistent thing in my life for many years and now he’s gone. And you know right now it really fucking hurts.
When I was forced to stay home alone at night because my mother was at work or school or wherever and there was no phone service for me to call a friend to keep me company when I was terrified by the night’s darkness. I listened to Prince. He kept me company. When I woke up alone in the morning to fix my breakfast and to ready myself for school, I played Prince; he was my morning pick up. When the kids at school teased me, bullied me, pushed me into bathrooms stalls, called me weird, talked about my clothes, I went home and listened to Prince. The first time I fell in love I listened to Prince, the first time I had my heart broken he comforted me. He taught me about sex,sexuality, love, compassion, humanity, music and art.
I loved who he loved and I didn’t mind sharing him with the rest of the world because he was just that incredible. When I had kids I couldn’t wait to share my love for him with them and they in turn became Prince fans too. It was in fact my oldest son who called me this morning and broke the devastating news.
Forgive me if at any point I start to ramble.. It would take a novel for me to express the lifetime of love, respect and admiration I have for him. I know there are Prince fans out there with their own special stories and journey with him and to all of you I send my love and condolences. Purple rain runs through our blood. We will get through this day whole and better for having to had experienced such greatness in our lifetime. I am sure I will have more to say but for now I am just trying to wrap my thoughts and emotions around losing my first love.
Today is just a horribly fucking sad day I am not gonna sugar coat it with a lot of nostalgia.
RIP Skipper, the world is a much sadder place today.